"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
~Homer Simpson

"Trying is the first step towards failure"
--Homer Simpson

"Love and stoplights can be cruel."
~Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show

"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
~George Burns

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
~Steven Wright

"The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first."
~Sig of Arno Schaefer

“Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!”
~Homer Simpson

"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder."
~Homer Simpson

Homer: Hey Marge, look at me - I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane ... In case you didn't realize, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well duh.

"When I die I wanna be buried upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass"

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
-Homer Simpson

"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."
-Steven Wright

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
-Robert Schmidt

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
-Rita Rudner

Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?

"They go together like water and electricity"

"You know your too stressed if you can hear mimes"

Having a smoking section in a restraunt is like having a peeing section in a pool."

"You're village just called, they want their idiot back."

"Are you always this stupid? or is today a special occasion?"

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't!"

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
Carrot Top

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller

"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in."
Rita Rudner

"CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE!"

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno

"Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."